Category Archives: Spiritual

Jesus is my co-pilot?

Jesus is my co-pilot?

It seems completely audacious to state that I think God manipulated my schedule, my responsibilities, my commitments…but darn it, it can be read that way.

I was staring down a hard, busy, week.  Big project due at work on Friday, Eating Liturgically “grand opening” on Sunday (so much content to get up there.  So.  Much.), church meetings, and taking down Thanksgiving and putting up Advent and that darn Elf to work out and…a lot.

So, I did what I dinstinctly should not have done yesterday, and I took the day off.  I mean, I taught my morning Jazzercise class, and then I took a shower…and then I made nachos…and then I sat down on the couch to watch one epidode of Mr. Robot before logging in to work (I work from home on Mondays).  Which turned into two episodes.  Which evolved into a nap on the couch.  When my phone alarms went off to go get the boys, I got them, and then sat right back down on that couch.

Not good.  Not good at all.

I checked e-mail Monday night, and not one person e-mailed me at work.  Not one.  So I figured I’d come clean to my direct supervisor tomorrow, put in extra hours this week if I needed to, but I simply would have to get my rear in gear today, Tuesday.

And I couldn’t sleep with the stress of it.  So, I prayed.  God, I said, I can’t.  I just can’t.  I know I should be askign for strength, and trusting, and all that good stuff, but I just can’t.

It wasn’t my best prayer.  Kinda whiny-pants, actually.

Yet, even.  I got to work today…and the big project has been postponed until FEBRUARY.  I’m 80% done already, and it’s not due until February!  “I hope you didn’t spend all day yesterday on it,” says my supervisor, at which point I say, “ahem” and come clean and she laughs and says “good!  You deserve a day off – anytime you need, just do it – you always get the work done.  Just…drop me a text next time.” Phew! (Note to reading audience – I’m paid hourly and I make my own hours – if I want a day, they will gladly not pay me as much, you know?)

And then, I hustle home to walk the dog and get the kids and get to my meeting…which I check my e-mail before I go and it’s canceled!

Hey, God? I say.  Um…thanks!  I, um, what can I do for you now?

So, I wrote an e-mail to my confirmation mentee (I’m her mentor – what would she be called?) about Advent and joyful expectation, and how it’s actually kind of hard to be in a consistent state of joyful anything, let alone expectation, and what does she think about Advent?  And that felt good.

And I planned out when and how I would get Eating Liturgically ready.  And that felt good.

So, audacious and I don’t know how this all works.  I just feel…taken care of.

 

Morning Routine Moment

Morning Routine Moment

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I currently start each day the same way.

Alarm #1 goes off.  I turn it off and get back in bed.  I lie on my back and put my hand over my heart and acknowledge that I am already stressed.  My heart rate is already elevated, cortisol is already coursing through my bloodstream, the weight of the world is coming down on me and before I have even begun I have already failed.

Then I pray.  It goes something like this, “Hi, God, it’s me again.  Good morning.  I don’t have the strength to do all the work you have given me to do. Wait, is it all from you? Or did I take on some without realizing it? Whatever, this? This isn’t gonna happen on my strength alone. But I can do anything through your strength, so let’s take some deep breaths together and remind my body I’m not alone in this, okay? A-men.”

Then I breathe. I listen to the birds outside. Sometimes to Isaac in his room waiting for his clock to turn yellow.  Sometimes Andrew stirs and puts an arm over me. Sometimes I stay awake and sometimes I drift back into sleep.

But when the second alarm (#2) goes off 15 minutes later, my hand is still over my heart, I am breathing calmly, and I feel I can face this new day.

Know thyself, am I right?

Milestone Mulling

Milestone Mulling

Milestones often kick off a time of contemplation for me.  It’s like I’m just walking down a path – la di da di da – and suddenly I look up!  And I see how far I’ve come!  And I see my surroundings aren’t the same as when I started!

So I stop.  And take stock.  And think.  And eventually start walking again.  The time I spent around our 10th wedding anniversary (10 years!  It stopped me cold.) ended up being a hard period – but the work I did, the therapy I accepted, the communication built between Andrew and me, I feel is so for the good now.

This past week had a series of milestones all in a row, which means I’m feeling extra-contemplative:

– my brother and his wife had their first son, Charlie, who is named after my grandfather who passed away this past Christmas.

– Andrew turned 40.  40!

– I found a grey hair in my eyebrow (I know, what?) and had what I’m pretty certain was my first hot flash this morning.  This plus a couple of other symptoms leads me to think my body is saying “Welcome to the early days of perimenopause, Erika.  How ya doin’?”  (Answer – a little WTF about the whole thing, but in general just fine. Yes, going to doctor just in case it’s something else.)

All of these things are good things, or rather, to be expected things, normal things, things on the path…but I’m standing still and mulling right now.  Gonna swim down into the depths for a little bit, and am interested to see what I bring back to the surface with me.