Mad Erika is Mad
So I've been feeling kind of numb for a few months. I suppose with all we had going on - moving, travel for holidays, Jazzercise, etc, etc, etc - my mind just decided rather than freak the heck out I could just...check out. Not a lot. Still functioning. But, you know, numb.
Sure this bothered me. I have never had a Christmas where I wasn't excited to do the traditions, sing the songs, see my family. I have never had a move where I wasn't filled with optimism and the giddiness of new possibilities. I have never contemplated just not doing Jazzercise and thought, well, that would be fine - it doesn't really matter either way.
So I'm waking up now. Less numb. Definitely feeling some feelings.
Mostly anger.
I'm not sure if it's just my emotional processing being rebooted, or if I've gotten my negative emotions back without the calming influence I usually have, or what.
But man, I'm pissed. Seeing red MAD. Instead of waking up to "meh, another day that doesn't matter," I'm waking up livid, frustrated, just waiting for something to lash out at. Grrrr.
This stinks.
And yes, I'm angry about being angry.
Not sure this is preferable to numb. Also not sure I'd e-mail me soothing thoughts - not where I am right now, is what I'm sayin'.
What am I so mad about?
UPDATED: Before diving into the rant, please, please, please understand - I get that these aren't the end of the world, that Andrew is a wonderful husband, that all will be well, that I control my own destiny, etc. I do. 100%.
Doesn't mean I'm not mad about 'em.
So, what am I so mad about? Let's see - the cost of gluten-free food, the 3-story nightmare of keeping up with Isaac, having things in boxes and being unable to find them, the lack of babysitters or money to pay babysitters, not being able to afford enough cheese for both cooking dinners and putting in lunch sandwiches, overhead lights in bathrooms that don't show you that one beard hair until you're out in public and can't do anything about it, how freaking cold it is all the time, my disc drive on my computer only copying half of the mp3s I need before pooting out, the bus picking up Isaac too late for Andrew to ever be able to put him on the bus on time and still get to work thus making me unable to get to my morning classes on time or to schedule evaluations for the morning, having to make valentines for both the morning and afternoon pre-K classes since Isaac's technically in both when Isaac doesn't even know or care about valentines AND I hate arts and crafts so very much yet I can't afford store-bought valentines so I have to gosh darn make them by hand, and why do I do every single doctor visit for Isaac, hair appointments for Isaac, and swimming lessons for Isaac, and new shoes for Isaac, making sure Isaac has supplements and food and diapers and clean underwear and why am I in charge of every single Isaac-related thing and why when I complain about that do people tell me its because I don't share the freaking responsibility and mothers always do that to their husbands which is bullshit, and I'm jealous of my husband for getting to go to work at specific times which people respect, and I'm jealous of my brother and cousin for getting to be in school, and I'm jealous of the people who get to go to church but I can't because I have to work at the church to afford our new rent, and I can't believe we moved to a place with higher rent when there are people in other countries, or heck, in New York City who have smaller apartments than our old one and were grateful for it, and why can't we get dinner and Isaac's bedtime timed out so I'm not trying to cook something on one floor while supervising a bathtime on another, and if I don't schedule a babysitter it will never happen even though in theory both of us are busy which is why we need a sitter, and every morning it doesn't matter when I wake up or whose morning it is with Isaac I'm still rushing to get his lunch made and his boots on and trying to time his potty visits so he doesn't pee on the bus on the way to school and I never sleep in later than 7am any morning ever and if I do, if I just claim one morning and selfishly sleep I wake up to angry family so what's the point and my cell phone won't let me talk longer than 4 minutes without getting really hot and having the battery die but we can't re-up because then we're stuck in the contract which we're trying to get out of and...
HULK SMASH
Yeah, I'm thinking numb was better.
Sure this bothered me. I have never had a Christmas where I wasn't excited to do the traditions, sing the songs, see my family. I have never had a move where I wasn't filled with optimism and the giddiness of new possibilities. I have never contemplated just not doing Jazzercise and thought, well, that would be fine - it doesn't really matter either way.
So I'm waking up now. Less numb. Definitely feeling some feelings.
Mostly anger.
I'm not sure if it's just my emotional processing being rebooted, or if I've gotten my negative emotions back without the calming influence I usually have, or what.
But man, I'm pissed. Seeing red MAD. Instead of waking up to "meh, another day that doesn't matter," I'm waking up livid, frustrated, just waiting for something to lash out at. Grrrr.
This stinks.
And yes, I'm angry about being angry.
Not sure this is preferable to numb. Also not sure I'd e-mail me soothing thoughts - not where I am right now, is what I'm sayin'.
What am I so mad about?
UPDATED: Before diving into the rant, please, please, please understand - I get that these aren't the end of the world, that Andrew is a wonderful husband, that all will be well, that I control my own destiny, etc. I do. 100%.
Doesn't mean I'm not mad about 'em.
So, what am I so mad about? Let's see - the cost of gluten-free food, the 3-story nightmare of keeping up with Isaac, having things in boxes and being unable to find them, the lack of babysitters or money to pay babysitters, not being able to afford enough cheese for both cooking dinners and putting in lunch sandwiches, overhead lights in bathrooms that don't show you that one beard hair until you're out in public and can't do anything about it, how freaking cold it is all the time, my disc drive on my computer only copying half of the mp3s I need before pooting out, the bus picking up Isaac too late for Andrew to ever be able to put him on the bus on time and still get to work thus making me unable to get to my morning classes on time or to schedule evaluations for the morning, having to make valentines for both the morning and afternoon pre-K classes since Isaac's technically in both when Isaac doesn't even know or care about valentines AND I hate arts and crafts so very much yet I can't afford store-bought valentines so I have to gosh darn make them by hand, and why do I do every single doctor visit for Isaac, hair appointments for Isaac, and swimming lessons for Isaac, and new shoes for Isaac, making sure Isaac has supplements and food and diapers and clean underwear and why am I in charge of every single Isaac-related thing and why when I complain about that do people tell me its because I don't share the freaking responsibility and mothers always do that to their husbands which is bullshit, and I'm jealous of my husband for getting to go to work at specific times which people respect, and I'm jealous of my brother and cousin for getting to be in school, and I'm jealous of the people who get to go to church but I can't because I have to work at the church to afford our new rent, and I can't believe we moved to a place with higher rent when there are people in other countries, or heck, in New York City who have smaller apartments than our old one and were grateful for it, and why can't we get dinner and Isaac's bedtime timed out so I'm not trying to cook something on one floor while supervising a bathtime on another, and if I don't schedule a babysitter it will never happen even though in theory both of us are busy which is why we need a sitter, and every morning it doesn't matter when I wake up or whose morning it is with Isaac I'm still rushing to get his lunch made and his boots on and trying to time his potty visits so he doesn't pee on the bus on the way to school and I never sleep in later than 7am any morning ever and if I do, if I just claim one morning and selfishly sleep I wake up to angry family so what's the point and my cell phone won't let me talk longer than 4 minutes without getting really hot and having the battery die but we can't re-up because then we're stuck in the contract which we're trying to get out of and...
HULK SMASH
Yeah, I'm thinking numb was better.
