http://hagan-net.net/erika/ en-gb erika@nospam.com (Erika) erika@nospam.com (Erika) Sun, 20 May 2012 04:18:45 -0400 Sun, 20 May 2012 04:18:45 -0400 http://backend.userland.com/rss e107 (http://e107.org) hourly 1 60 http://hagan-net.net/erika/e107_images/button.png http://hagan-net.net/erika/ 88 31 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.900.1
I am thus pleased to share that we feel very confident that Kai is not autistic. He is waving and making eye contact and imitating sounds and actions, spontaneously initiating social and pretend play, speaking and signing a few words, and making his opinions known.

Sigh. Opinions. I jest sometimes that Isaac was actually easier at this stage than Kai. There's quite a bit of truth in that jest, though - Isaac at 15 months was a sweet, often overwhelmed, little guy who would find one safe, manageable, easily repeatable thing and would focus on that. He didn't fight when you wanted to get him dressed or change the gameplan from house to car to daycare to whatever. When we went out, he'd always fall asleep in his carseat or stroller as his sensory system just gave up. He was nearly silent, never screamed, rarely cried.
Not developmentally what you wanted. But easy.

Kai is hard right now. Wonderful, engaging, amazing, also sweet...but hard. He wants to do everything himself from putting on his own socks to walking up and down stairs to walking to the car to feeding himself with a spoon...all things he will eventually be able to do, but now is appropriately beyond him. And when he fails, or when I won't let him, say, walk from the bank to our car in the busy, death-defying, parking lot, he sits down on the ground kicking his legs, smacking the floor, and wailing.
He is LOUD. He makes himself heard. In our crazy house with Isaac stimming and various media playing and Andrew and I talking, Kai makes himself heard over all the hustle and bustle. I'm proud. It's what I want. But yowza.

There is pay-off, of course. I wish you could have seen Kai's pride when he finally figured out how to use the Jack in the Box all by himself. Or heard him say, "Mama! Pocoyo!" while pointing that chubby index finger towards the television (more on tv below). Or watch him clasp his hands together when I say "quiet hands" (usually when he's about to dump over the kitchen trash can, or throw something in the toilet) and then get puffed up when I say "great job doing quiet hands!" 'cause he knows he done good.

His smiles and laughter are loud too. And wonderful.

He remains tall and lean - in the 85th percentile for height and the 50th for weight. We have to put him in 18 month clothes for that height, but I'm going to have to see about toddler suspenders or something because his waist can't always pull off the larger size. He is a strong and confident walker, running with a slightly drunken tilt full-speed at everything. He can climb amazingly well - we have to watch our we find him on top of tables.
At the doctors for his well-baby visit this week I set something I didn't want him playing with on top of the counter. He pushed the chair over to the counter, climbed up, stood up on the chair, and reached the object - then looked at me and grinned. Smart and strong. And sassy.
He has hit or surpassed absolutely every milestone except he does not make the "D" sound or say "daddy". He does know who Andrew (and Isaac for that matter) is - if I say, "can you give this to Daddy?" he does. Just no "dadadadada" happening. It drives me nuts that when I bring this up, people start talking about how he's not autistic. Yes, I know. I live with autistic. I know Kai's not.
But that is a big speech step that he's just...skipping...and I'd like to know if kids who do this need help to get it, or if he'll just swing back around and eventually figure out "d"s...

Television. The AAP says no screen time until 2 years old. Hmmm. With Isaac at this age, he was at daycare all day, and I let him watch a DVD of Veggie Tales at night while I made dinner. I'm doing similar with Kai, except there are a few more times a specific show is inserted into the day since he's home with me all day. Example - when I'm not teaching, from 8-8:30am he watches Sid the Science Kid while I have coffee and eat breakfast and read the newspaper (or, you know, check my websites). In the afternoons, he and Isaac both watch Pocoyo from 4:30 to 5:00 so I can have some time to get X done (usually something mission critical like paying bills or filling out forms, occasionally just time to myself). If I haven't showered in a millions days, I'll put on a show and duck in and out while Kai's watching.
I figure as long as the total hours aren't huge, as long as I'm not letting him just veg and zone, as long as it's done deliberately, for a specific purpose, with a defined end time, as long as I've seen and chosen the speicfic show, as long as I'm careful to counter balance tv time with engaged time with me and out in the world...then I don't care. It makes our lives better when I get 20 minutes to focus on one specific thing now and again.
And I will say this...we have some friends who do the 0 television thing, which is fine and I respect. But. If they come over and Isaac is watching a show (which we often do when company is coming over so Isaac is better able to stay calm), Kai is ignoring it. He's playing with his toys, with me, it's just background noise. The 0 television kids are glued to the screen, completely unable to break away or hear what is being said to them. I think in this crazy world with so much media, so many screens all around us, so much information coming in - the ability to filter and ignore media is a good skill to have. I think it will serve Kai well.
We just have to stay on top of things.
]]>
I am thus pleased to share that we feel very confident that Kai is not autistic. He is waving and making eye contact and imitating sounds and actions, spontaneously initiating social and pretend play, speaking and signing a few words, and making his opinions known.

Sigh. Opinions. I jest sometimes that Isaac was actually easier at this stage than Kai. There's quite a bit of truth in that jest, though - Isaac at 15 months was a sweet, often overwhelmed, little guy who would find one safe, manageable, easily repeatable thing and would focus on that. He didn't fight when you wanted to get him dressed or change the gameplan from house to car to daycare to whatever. When we went out, he'd always fall asleep in his carseat or stroller as his sensory system just gave up. He was nearly silent, never screamed, rarely cried.
Not developmentally what you wanted. But easy.

Kai is hard right now. Wonderful, engaging, amazing, also sweet...but hard. He wants to do everything himself from putting on his own socks to walking up and down stairs to walking to the car to feeding himself with a spoon...all things he will eventually be able to do, but now is appropriately beyond him. And when he fails, or when I won't let him, say, walk from the bank to our car in the busy, death-defying, parking lot, he sits down on the ground kicking his legs, smacking the floor, and wailing.
He is LOUD. He makes himself heard. In our crazy house with Isaac stimming and various media playing and Andrew and I talking, Kai makes himself heard over all the hustle and bustle. I'm proud. It's what I want. But yowza.

There is pay-off, of course. I wish you could have seen Kai's pride when he finally figured out how to use the Jack in the Box all by himself. Or heard him say, "Mama! Pocoyo!" while pointing that chubby index finger towards the television (more on tv below). Or watch him clasp his hands together when I say "quiet hands" (usually when he's about to dump over the kitchen trash can, or throw something in the toilet) and then get puffed up when I say "great job doing quiet hands!" 'cause he knows he done good.

His smiles and laughter are loud too. And wonderful.

He remains tall and lean - in the 85th percentile for height and the 50th for weight. We have to put him in 18 month clothes for that height, but I'm going to have to see about toddler suspenders or something because his waist can't always pull off the larger size. He is a strong and confident walker, running with a slightly drunken tilt full-speed at everything. He can climb amazingly well - we have to watch our we find him on top of tables.
At the doctors for his well-baby visit this week I set something I didn't want him playing with on top of the counter. He pushed the chair over to the counter, climbed up, stood up on the chair, and reached the object - then looked at me and grinned. Smart and strong. And sassy.
He has hit or surpassed absolutely every milestone except he does not make the "D" sound or say "daddy". He does know who Andrew (and Isaac for that matter) is - if I say, "can you give this to Daddy?" he does. Just no "dadadadada" happening. It drives me nuts that when I bring this up, people start talking about how he's not autistic. Yes, I know. I live with autistic. I know Kai's not.
But that is a big speech step that he's just...skipping...and I'd like to know if kids who do this need help to get it, or if he'll just swing back around and eventually figure out "d"s...

Television. The AAP says no screen time until 2 years old. Hmmm. With Isaac at this age, he was at daycare all day, and I let him watch a DVD of Veggie Tales at night while I made dinner. I'm doing similar with Kai, except there are a few more times a specific show is inserted into the day since he's home with me all day. Example - when I'm not teaching, from 8-8:30am he watches Sid the Science Kid while I have coffee and eat breakfast and read the newspaper (or, you know, check my websites). In the afternoons, he and Isaac both watch Pocoyo from 4:30 to 5:00 so I can have some time to get X done (usually something mission critical like paying bills or filling out forms, occasionally just time to myself). If I haven't showered in a millions days, I'll put on a show and duck in and out while Kai's watching.
I figure as long as the total hours aren't huge, as long as I'm not letting him just veg and zone, as long as it's done deliberately, for a specific purpose, with a defined end time, as long as I've seen and chosen the speicfic show, as long as I'm careful to counter balance tv time with engaged time with me and out in the world...then I don't care. It makes our lives better when I get 20 minutes to focus on one specific thing now and again.
And I will say this...we have some friends who do the 0 television thing, which is fine and I respect. But. If they come over and Isaac is watching a show (which we often do when company is coming over so Isaac is better able to stay calm), Kai is ignoring it. He's playing with his toys, with me, it's just background noise. The 0 television kids are glued to the screen, completely unable to break away or hear what is being said to them. I think in this crazy world with so much media, so many screens all around us, so much information coming in - the ability to filter and ignore media is a good skill to have. I think it will serve Kai well.
We just have to stay on top of things.
]]> Misc Erika Fri, 18 May 2012 08:33:00 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.900.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.899.1
first:

Molars! I don't know
Why you throw our routines off
When you're just dumb teeth.

also:

He waits until the
Clock turns blue to come upstairs
So he pees in bed

in summation:

We make progress, yes,
Towards sleep and peaceful household
Day by day we try

post script:

I sweat, wake, panting
Will they sleep? Stay asleep? Rest?
Stress thoughts haunt my dreams
]]>
first:

Molars! I don't know
Why you throw our routines off
When you're just dumb teeth.

also:

He waits until the
Clock turns blue to come upstairs
So he pees in bed

in summation:

We make progress, yes,
Towards sleep and peaceful household
Day by day we try

post script:

I sweat, wake, panting
Will they sleep? Stay asleep? Rest?
Stress thoughts haunt my dreams
]]> Misc Erika Mon, 14 May 2012 20:41:23 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.899.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.898.1 1. Sleep (he got up with both kiddos and I crashed until 10am)
2. Schmancy Breakfast (Mimosas, Bailey's French Toast with real French Bread, sliced Strawberries and Bananas, Whipped Cream, and Coffee)
3. Bubble Bath (he's going to corral kiddos so I can have bubble bath time this afternoon).

Isaac gave me:
1. A card he made himself with I Love Mommy and hearts, and his signed name.
2. A book called "Why I Love Mommy" including reasons such as "she sings with me" "we dance together" and a poem entitled "I love Mommy more than Applesauce". He made it in school, and had some help, but did most of the writing himself, and filled in the blanks himself (I love Mommy more than X).

Kai gave me:
1. A new spoken word. Sadly, it is "Pocoyo", which is a character in a cute television show that he's in love with, and I feel simultaneously happy to watch his pleasure in watching the show and ashamed that I'm letting him watch it at all. Pocoyo. Kai says "Bogogo".
2. A new tooth. He's (finally!) starting to cut his molars, and once those puppies are through, we're going to start thinkin' on night weaning...light at the end of the tunnel.

Happy Mother's Day!
]]> 1. Sleep (he got up with both kiddos and I crashed until 10am)
2. Schmancy Breakfast (Mimosas, Bailey's French Toast with real French Bread, sliced Strawberries and Bananas, Whipped Cream, and Coffee)
3. Bubble Bath (he's going to corral kiddos so I can have bubble bath time this afternoon).

Isaac gave me:
1. A card he made himself with I Love Mommy and hearts, and his signed name.
2. A book called "Why I Love Mommy" including reasons such as "she sings with me" "we dance together" and a poem entitled "I love Mommy more than Applesauce". He made it in school, and had some help, but did most of the writing himself, and filled in the blanks himself (I love Mommy more than X).

Kai gave me:
1. A new spoken word. Sadly, it is "Pocoyo", which is a character in a cute television show that he's in love with, and I feel simultaneously happy to watch his pleasure in watching the show and ashamed that I'm letting him watch it at all. Pocoyo. Kai says "Bogogo".
2. A new tooth. He's (finally!) starting to cut his molars, and once those puppies are through, we're going to start thinkin' on night weaning...light at the end of the tunnel.

Happy Mother's Day!
]]> Misc Erika Sun, 13 May 2012 12:27:48 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.898.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.897.1
As for my spirits, I feel simultaneously like...




...and...




So I have that going for me. Sigh.

Happily, there's a smidge of



as well, so I think all will be well :)
]]>
As for my spirits, I feel simultaneously like...




...and...




So I have that going for me. Sigh.

Happily, there's a smidge of



as well, so I think all will be well :)
]]> Misc Erika Sat, 12 May 2012 13:20:15 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.897.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.896.1 But I can't lift him very well. So we've worked out a system of "1, 2, 3, jump!" and he jumps and I lift at the same time, and then he gives me a big bear hug and I can hold my baby for a good long while as long as Isaac supports his own weight somewhat.

Well. Last night he said "I want up!" and I said "okay, 1-2-3-jump, ready?" and somehow we missed our timing and Isaac ended up jumping as I was leaning over to get ready to lift, and the top of Isaac's head rammed into my jaw.

Oucheroo.

I bit my tongue and tasted blood, but that's not too bad. The bad part is that I can't bite on one side of my mouth without really sharp pain going up to where the jaw connects right under the ear, and on that side there's been a ringing in my ear for nearly a day now.

The other bad part is that I'm too much in my own head, and this just seems like a giant metaphor for my life right now. I'm just trying to do the loving, fun, good-person things I want to do, like pick up my son, and everything is just hard. Harder than it should be. And I'm just trying to do normal, healthy, good-for-me things, like eating food, and it hurts.

Meh. I need to figure out a way to get out and be with people. I am such an extrovert - I need people and talking and conversation. I need to say words, out loud, and to be heard. Andrew's gone all day, and Isaac is autistic, and Kai only says three words (mama, go, and up, in case you were curious and yes I do think that says a lot about his personality), and my church has been pretty standoffish for the past, oh, four years (every time I go someone introduces themselves and asks if it's my first time attending...every time...after four years...), and I can't let my hair down at Jazzercise because I'm selling "Erika the Jazzercise Instructor" not "Erika the person who wants to talk" and I thought I found something with this MOMS Club organization but after sending me an application form and a dues fee information sheet they haven't responded to my e-mails for more info, and the moms in my mommy-and-me swimming class all signed up together from another moms group and so they don't really talk to me and...

...I am so in my own head. All the time. Words, and words, and thoughts, and I try to keep good mantras going and not be like a mouse on a wheel in a cage, but for pete's sake. People who need people, right? Because this whole jaw-debacle shouldn't 'cause me to go into an existential crisis.
And it wouldn't if I was having coffee with a neighbor and saying "you won't believe what happened last night...Isaac gave me an uppercut!"

I wake up every morning and think "Today is the day the Lord has made - I will rejoice and be glad in it" and I really, really try. But lately right after that I think "not that anyone cares if I do or not" and that just won't do.

If I still can't bite down after another day or so, I'm going to the doctor.
And for the social thing...well, I rejoined my online mother's group from back in the day (hey y'all, I know some of you read this)...and I'm just going to keep plugging away. I am a nice, friendly, pleasant, fun person goddamnit; someone in this uppity New England town has to fall in love with me eventually.


]]> But I can't lift him very well. So we've worked out a system of "1, 2, 3, jump!" and he jumps and I lift at the same time, and then he gives me a big bear hug and I can hold my baby for a good long while as long as Isaac supports his own weight somewhat.

Well. Last night he said "I want up!" and I said "okay, 1-2-3-jump, ready?" and somehow we missed our timing and Isaac ended up jumping as I was leaning over to get ready to lift, and the top of Isaac's head rammed into my jaw.

Oucheroo.

I bit my tongue and tasted blood, but that's not too bad. The bad part is that I can't bite on one side of my mouth without really sharp pain going up to where the jaw connects right under the ear, and on that side there's been a ringing in my ear for nearly a day now.

The other bad part is that I'm too much in my own head, and this just seems like a giant metaphor for my life right now. I'm just trying to do the loving, fun, good-person things I want to do, like pick up my son, and everything is just hard. Harder than it should be. And I'm just trying to do normal, healthy, good-for-me things, like eating food, and it hurts.

Meh. I need to figure out a way to get out and be with people. I am such an extrovert - I need people and talking and conversation. I need to say words, out loud, and to be heard. Andrew's gone all day, and Isaac is autistic, and Kai only says three words (mama, go, and up, in case you were curious and yes I do think that says a lot about his personality), and my church has been pretty standoffish for the past, oh, four years (every time I go someone introduces themselves and asks if it's my first time attending...every time...after four years...), and I can't let my hair down at Jazzercise because I'm selling "Erika the Jazzercise Instructor" not "Erika the person who wants to talk" and I thought I found something with this MOMS Club organization but after sending me an application form and a dues fee information sheet they haven't responded to my e-mails for more info, and the moms in my mommy-and-me swimming class all signed up together from another moms group and so they don't really talk to me and...

...I am so in my own head. All the time. Words, and words, and thoughts, and I try to keep good mantras going and not be like a mouse on a wheel in a cage, but for pete's sake. People who need people, right? Because this whole jaw-debacle shouldn't 'cause me to go into an existential crisis.
And it wouldn't if I was having coffee with a neighbor and saying "you won't believe what happened last night...Isaac gave me an uppercut!"

I wake up every morning and think "Today is the day the Lord has made - I will rejoice and be glad in it" and I really, really try. But lately right after that I think "not that anyone cares if I do or not" and that just won't do.

If I still can't bite down after another day or so, I'm going to the doctor.
And for the social thing...well, I rejoined my online mother's group from back in the day (hey y'all, I know some of you read this)...and I'm just going to keep plugging away. I am a nice, friendly, pleasant, fun person goddamnit; someone in this uppity New England town has to fall in love with me eventually.


]]> Misc Erika Thu, 10 May 2012 16:32:26 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.896.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.895.1
...when I see a FedEx truck out the window. Now, we live in a condo development, so it could be for any number of households. But I *knew* it was for us. We used our state tax refund to purchase a new mattress and grown-up bedframe for our bedroom, and even though it wasn't supposed to arrive until Friday, I just knew.

I look down. Kai is asleep in my lap. I'm in a dingy pink bathrobe, no socks or shoes, and I haven't brushed my teeth.
I look outside. It's raining.
I hear THUMP, THUMP, THUMPA-THUMP.
I see the FedEx truck drive away.

I did *not* hear a doorbell ring or a knock on the door.

I gently ease Kai off my lap and open up the front door. Nothing.

I take a deep breath and listen to my gut. My gut says there's more going on here.

I sigh and slip on my sneakers and venture out into the rain, bathrobe and all. And, of course, the amazing sidewalk and lawn maintenance dudes are on my lawn, adding mulch to the bushes and trees and such - I couldn't see them from the door, but once on the porch, we are in full view of each other.

"Hi!" I say. What can ya do.
"Hi!" they say back, and look pointedly at the garage door.

Where I see 3 big boxes. In the rain. Which I cannot lift because I'm resting my shoulder so I can teach class the next day. Also, I tried anyway because I didn't want them in them in the rain, and they are heavy as balls. Bowling balls.

Quick glance at the amazing sidewalk and lawn maintenance dudes. Yes, they see my plight. No, they are not going to help me as they don't work for me. No conversation necessary.
Mentally demoting them to merely adequate sidewalk and lawn maintenance dudes, I text Andrew our plight.

As I push send, I realize Andrew's at freaking work, and what, do I think he's going to drive 30 miles home to carry in heavy as balls boxes? Which are getting wetter and wetter?
So, trying to save face, I quickly switch our texting convo over to kvetching about FedEx, and I decide to open the garage door, and using my good shoulder shove as best I can to move them out of the rain anyway.
Which I do. In my bathrobe. In front of the A.S.&L.M. dudes.

FlyLady has a thing. You're supposed to get dressed to shoes every day, and keep your shoes on all day, until you're done for the day.
And you're supposed to do it when you first wake up. Even if it's an easy Wednesday of couch-sitting and shoulder-and-Kai nursing.
Because if I'd been dressed to shoes, I would have been more likely to go out on the porch when I heard the FedEx truck, and thus been able to browbeat them into carrying in the heavy packages out of the rain, and the still Amazing S.&L.M. dudes wouldn't have had such a show.

I did sleep very well on our new, firm, mattress though. Yum. Happy back and joints are happy. And I woke up with a stiff and mildly creaky, but perfectly full-range-of-motion functional shoulder - yay! Ice and ibuprofin and rest for the win!
]]>
...when I see a FedEx truck out the window. Now, we live in a condo development, so it could be for any number of households. But I *knew* it was for us. We used our state tax refund to purchase a new mattress and grown-up bedframe for our bedroom, and even though it wasn't supposed to arrive until Friday, I just knew.

I look down. Kai is asleep in my lap. I'm in a dingy pink bathrobe, no socks or shoes, and I haven't brushed my teeth.
I look outside. It's raining.
I hear THUMP, THUMP, THUMPA-THUMP.
I see the FedEx truck drive away.

I did *not* hear a doorbell ring or a knock on the door.

I gently ease Kai off my lap and open up the front door. Nothing.

I take a deep breath and listen to my gut. My gut says there's more going on here.

I sigh and slip on my sneakers and venture out into the rain, bathrobe and all. And, of course, the amazing sidewalk and lawn maintenance dudes are on my lawn, adding mulch to the bushes and trees and such - I couldn't see them from the door, but once on the porch, we are in full view of each other.

"Hi!" I say. What can ya do.
"Hi!" they say back, and look pointedly at the garage door.

Where I see 3 big boxes. In the rain. Which I cannot lift because I'm resting my shoulder so I can teach class the next day. Also, I tried anyway because I didn't want them in them in the rain, and they are heavy as balls. Bowling balls.

Quick glance at the amazing sidewalk and lawn maintenance dudes. Yes, they see my plight. No, they are not going to help me as they don't work for me. No conversation necessary.
Mentally demoting them to merely adequate sidewalk and lawn maintenance dudes, I text Andrew our plight.

As I push send, I realize Andrew's at freaking work, and what, do I think he's going to drive 30 miles home to carry in heavy as balls boxes? Which are getting wetter and wetter?
So, trying to save face, I quickly switch our texting convo over to kvetching about FedEx, and I decide to open the garage door, and using my good shoulder shove as best I can to move them out of the rain anyway.
Which I do. In my bathrobe. In front of the A.S.&L.M. dudes.

FlyLady has a thing. You're supposed to get dressed to shoes every day, and keep your shoes on all day, until you're done for the day.
And you're supposed to do it when you first wake up. Even if it's an easy Wednesday of couch-sitting and shoulder-and-Kai nursing.
Because if I'd been dressed to shoes, I would have been more likely to go out on the porch when I heard the FedEx truck, and thus been able to browbeat them into carrying in the heavy packages out of the rain, and the still Amazing S.&L.M. dudes wouldn't have had such a show.

I did sleep very well on our new, firm, mattress though. Yum. Happy back and joints are happy. And I woke up with a stiff and mildly creaky, but perfectly full-range-of-motion functional shoulder - yay! Ice and ibuprofin and rest for the win!
]]> Misc Erika Thu, 03 May 2012 14:01:58 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.895.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.894.1
A still in pajamas but that's okay kind of day.

So I'm just waiting for the phone call that I have to run out for something, right NOW. That's how it works, right?
]]>
A still in pajamas but that's okay kind of day.

So I'm just waiting for the phone call that I have to run out for something, right NOW. That's how it works, right?
]]> Misc Erika Wed, 02 May 2012 08:35:18 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.894.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.893.1
Well, here's a list of things that you really shouldn't say to a parent of an autistic child. I know, I know, I know 99% of people mean nothing rude by these things...but trust me, they are read as something completely different than intended.

1. Is your child really talented at something?

Andrew and I call this the "what's your kid's superpower?" question, and it's...well, okay. I know that most media shows either autistic savants, or asperger's kids who are really focused and obsessive about a specific thing, and thus are pretty amazing at knowing stats or skills.
But here's the thing - most kids on the spectrum aren't this. Savants are really, really rare. And Aspergers, let alone the high-functioning version you see on television shows, is only about 25% of those diagnosed on the spectrum.
Most autistic kids are very, very delayed developmentally. To ask a parent who's trying to toilet train their 5 year old, or work on their 10 year old using two-word sentences, what their kid's super-power is is really mean.
And there's also a sense of your kid not fitting into what they think your kid should be, and thus not only is your kid not typical...your kid is also not the "cool" kind of autistic. Mean.
Suggested question to use instead: What's your kid into?

2. Is the increase in autism real, or are more kids just being diagnosed/the spectrum is bigger?

This is a valid question facing our society today, as we allocate funds and public resources to the autism community. Valid.
But I don't care. *MY* kid is autistic.
You have to understand that there are people who don't think autism really exists, who think it's just people with poor parenting skills using a label to explain why their kids are rude, awkward, or mentally retarded.
Also, since autistics tend to look just like everyone else, our kids DO look rude. And awkward. And disobedient.
We are judged as parents every time we take our kid out of the house. We've learned to deal.
But that question - even if you mean it in the most non-biased, scientifically-sound, legitimate way - it's going to bristle. Because to us, it sounds like you think we're gaming some system, trying to get attention...that we've done something wrong.
Suggested question to use instead: why do you think more kids are being diagnosed with autism?

3. Did you see/hear/read this?

You should know that most pediatricians and most school systems are not up-to-date on the latest autism research. So, as parents, we educate ourselves. We have to in order to advocate for our children in medical and educational contexts. If a study is mentioned on CNN, or an Autism Speaks press release...I've probably read the original study, and probably did so a while ago.
It's kind of like going up to a cancer researcher, and saying "did you hear the surgeon general says that smoking can cause lung cancer?"
We get you're trying to show that you're paying attention to this thing that is important to us. But it just hammers home that no one really knows anything, and that the media is often using autism to scare people into reading/watching their stuff without really pushing anything forward. It makes us feel more alone.
Suggested comment to use instead: I saw/heard/read this - what is the autism community saying about it?

4. All kids act like this/do this. Related - some kids are just late in X.

I'm going to take the high road and say that people are trying to make us feel like our children aren't all that different, that we're not alone in dealing with things.
But what it *sounds* like to an autistic parent is "you're wrong - this isn't autism". And firstly, autism is a diagnosis of many different and varied symptoms and behaviors, so just one example (like late talking) isn't going to change things. Secondly, we had to fight so hard for the diagnosis in the first place - don't take it away from us. Lastly, the behavior or symptom you're seeing may look like something all kids do, but often the reason behind it is totally different and you don't know enough about autism to get that. Example: all kids spin around till they get dizzy. Isaac spins around to block out other sensory input - it's like a drug to dull the senses. He's doing it to get high. Your kid do that?
Give us this. If we say it's an autism thing, it's an autism thing.
Suggested comment to use instead: tell me more about why he does this.

5. You're so lucky your kid gets so many adults working with him at school/gets all that funding for special ed!

And you're so lucky your kid doesn't need a softball team's worth of adults just to get through a school day. Yes, if the autistic kid is lucky enough to be in a school system that gives him the aides, therapists, and teachers he needs, then that's great.
But it's a little like saying "you're so lucky to be on chemo - you've lost so much weight!". Tread carefully.
Suggested comment to use instead: I'm so glad your kid is getting the support he needs at school!

6. Did you do something when you were pregnant/when he was a baby?

No. We did nothing different than anyone else. No one knows what causes autism. This is a rude question, and an anxiety we already torment ourselves with in the privacy of our own grief. Why would you ask this?
No suggested way to ask this. It's rude.
Perhaps you mean to say: are there any new theories as to what caused autism?

7. Make sure to take care of yourself/take time for you/have a date night.

It's not impossible, parenting an autistic child. But it is hard. You are on for most of the 24 hours of the day, and it is the intensity of being on for a toddler, even when the child is older. Remember how it was hard to take care of yourself and have date nights when your kids were babies/toddlers?
That's our life. Forever. Not impossible to do - just hard. And, unlike people whose kids get older and can be left with babysitters, it's actually going to get harder for us - as Isaac gets bigger and smarter, it's harder to find sitters who can handle him.
So, unless you are saying "hi, I'm going to do THIS SPECIFIC THING so you can take time for yourself/have a date night"...it's just salt in the wound. We know. Thanks. We try.
Suggestion: offer to hang with the autistic child in your life so the parent can do X. Even if the parent doesn't leave the house, it will be a big help to them. If someone were hanging with Isaac right now, I'd be prepping my class for tomorrow so I could go to bed before midnight = more sleep = taking care of me.
No salt there :)

8. He seems fine to me.

This statement will be perceived as "you are making much ado about nothing".
If you mean - "my, he is doing really well today!" or "I would not of known he was autistic" - then say that.
If the parent is making an excuse for why they need to step in, take a break, leave an event - say you're sorry to see them go, assuming that they know the child better than you.
If you mean - I support you and your child 100% and will not even entertain the notion that your child is less than perfect due to their autism - for pete's sake, say that. We'd love to hear that.

9. It's okay, he can watch tv/play with my elbows/touch the mole on my face/do the behavior you just corrected.

We parents manage our autistic child's behavior with more vigilance than you think. This is in big part because there are no exceptions in our child's mind - either a behavior is allowed, or it is not. There's no "well, at grandma's house I can..." or "I can play with so-and-so's elbow but not people's in general". If something is not allowed in general, we cannot allow it in specific - if we do, it becomes "okay" in our autistic child's mind.
So, if we say no, it's no. If we correct, it needs to be corrected. We are managing this behavior.
Suggestion: when the child complies, if you say "good job doing X!" to the child, that shows great support to the autistic family as a whole - both the child and the parents.

10. What are you going to do when he's 18?

There's a cliff, and we get to jump off of it, and that happens when our autistic child is no longer in the public school system. At that point society's obligation to our child - to educate, to provide therapies, to assist, is gone. GONE.
When you feel like you're barely making it as it is, and without that time your kid is at school, you couldn't do it...it's a scary thought.
Most parents I know are going to cross that there bridge when they get there, and not think about it when their child is still in single digits. I think you can appreciate that.
I'm racking my brain, and I can't think of a way to present this that won't be unpleasant to the recipient. Suggestion: I'd wait for them to bring it up.

And here's a bonus for you - something you may think is rude, but is not.
Autistic children don't read social cues. They don't know that they are driving you nuts, are sitting too close to you, are too loud, that them repeating the same song over and over and over is making you want to punch something, etc.
So you can tell them. Absolutely not a problem. Just tell them. If they are high-functioning enough, they will correct the behavior without insult. If they are not, the parent will. If the parent isn't around, the child might not comply with your request because they are not able to regulate themselves that way...but it doesn't hurt to tell them.
This not-reading of social cues means they won't be embarrassed that you told them. Feel free. Still be kind about it (they may not be able to read sarcasm or mocking tone, but they are people and deserve kindness and respect), but truly, feel free.

-----------
So. I just posted this and re-read it, and realized I sound pretty darn offended. I want to assure people that if you've inadvertently said such-and-such to me, that I took your intention and responded to that, without offense. I'm pretty good at hearing what people mean to say underneath it all, and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I can tell when someone really thinks I'm a bad parent, or is just blundering with their autism comment.
Just - you know, be aware.
]]>
Well, here's a list of things that you really shouldn't say to a parent of an autistic child. I know, I know, I know 99% of people mean nothing rude by these things...but trust me, they are read as something completely different than intended.

1. Is your child really talented at something?

Andrew and I call this the "what's your kid's superpower?" question, and it's...well, okay. I know that most media shows either autistic savants, or asperger's kids who are really focused and obsessive about a specific thing, and thus are pretty amazing at knowing stats or skills.
But here's the thing - most kids on the spectrum aren't this. Savants are really, really rare. And Aspergers, let alone the high-functioning version you see on television shows, is only about 25% of those diagnosed on the spectrum.
Most autistic kids are very, very delayed developmentally. To ask a parent who's trying to toilet train their 5 year old, or work on their 10 year old using two-word sentences, what their kid's super-power is is really mean.
And there's also a sense of your kid not fitting into what they think your kid should be, and thus not only is your kid not typical...your kid is also not the "cool" kind of autistic. Mean.
Suggested question to use instead: What's your kid into?

2. Is the increase in autism real, or are more kids just being diagnosed/the spectrum is bigger?

This is a valid question facing our society today, as we allocate funds and public resources to the autism community. Valid.
But I don't care. *MY* kid is autistic.
You have to understand that there are people who don't think autism really exists, who think it's just people with poor parenting skills using a label to explain why their kids are rude, awkward, or mentally retarded.
Also, since autistics tend to look just like everyone else, our kids DO look rude. And awkward. And disobedient.
We are judged as parents every time we take our kid out of the house. We've learned to deal.
But that question - even if you mean it in the most non-biased, scientifically-sound, legitimate way - it's going to bristle. Because to us, it sounds like you think we're gaming some system, trying to get attention...that we've done something wrong.
Suggested question to use instead: why do you think more kids are being diagnosed with autism?

3. Did you see/hear/read this?

You should know that most pediatricians and most school systems are not up-to-date on the latest autism research. So, as parents, we educate ourselves. We have to in order to advocate for our children in medical and educational contexts. If a study is mentioned on CNN, or an Autism Speaks press release...I've probably read the original study, and probably did so a while ago.
It's kind of like going up to a cancer researcher, and saying "did you hear the surgeon general says that smoking can cause lung cancer?"
We get you're trying to show that you're paying attention to this thing that is important to us. But it just hammers home that no one really knows anything, and that the media is often using autism to scare people into reading/watching their stuff without really pushing anything forward. It makes us feel more alone.
Suggested comment to use instead: I saw/heard/read this - what is the autism community saying about it?

4. All kids act like this/do this. Related - some kids are just late in X.

I'm going to take the high road and say that people are trying to make us feel like our children aren't all that different, that we're not alone in dealing with things.
But what it *sounds* like to an autistic parent is "you're wrong - this isn't autism". And firstly, autism is a diagnosis of many different and varied symptoms and behaviors, so just one example (like late talking) isn't going to change things. Secondly, we had to fight so hard for the diagnosis in the first place - don't take it away from us. Lastly, the behavior or symptom you're seeing may look like something all kids do, but often the reason behind it is totally different and you don't know enough about autism to get that. Example: all kids spin around till they get dizzy. Isaac spins around to block out other sensory input - it's like a drug to dull the senses. He's doing it to get high. Your kid do that?
Give us this. If we say it's an autism thing, it's an autism thing.
Suggested comment to use instead: tell me more about why he does this.

5. You're so lucky your kid gets so many adults working with him at school/gets all that funding for special ed!

And you're so lucky your kid doesn't need a softball team's worth of adults just to get through a school day. Yes, if the autistic kid is lucky enough to be in a school system that gives him the aides, therapists, and teachers he needs, then that's great.
But it's a little like saying "you're so lucky to be on chemo - you've lost so much weight!". Tread carefully.
Suggested comment to use instead: I'm so glad your kid is getting the support he needs at school!

6. Did you do something when you were pregnant/when he was a baby?

No. We did nothing different than anyone else. No one knows what causes autism. This is a rude question, and an anxiety we already torment ourselves with in the privacy of our own grief. Why would you ask this?
No suggested way to ask this. It's rude.
Perhaps you mean to say: are there any new theories as to what caused autism?

7. Make sure to take care of yourself/take time for you/have a date night.

It's not impossible, parenting an autistic child. But it is hard. You are on for most of the 24 hours of the day, and it is the intensity of being on for a toddler, even when the child is older. Remember how it was hard to take care of yourself and have date nights when your kids were babies/toddlers?
That's our life. Forever. Not impossible to do - just hard. And, unlike people whose kids get older and can be left with babysitters, it's actually going to get harder for us - as Isaac gets bigger and smarter, it's harder to find sitters who can handle him.
So, unless you are saying "hi, I'm going to do THIS SPECIFIC THING so you can take time for yourself/have a date night"...it's just salt in the wound. We know. Thanks. We try.
Suggestion: offer to hang with the autistic child in your life so the parent can do X. Even if the parent doesn't leave the house, it will be a big help to them. If someone were hanging with Isaac right now, I'd be prepping my class for tomorrow so I could go to bed before midnight = more sleep = taking care of me.
No salt there :)

8. He seems fine to me.

This statement will be perceived as "you are making much ado about nothing".
If you mean - "my, he is doing really well today!" or "I would not of known he was autistic" - then say that.
If the parent is making an excuse for why they need to step in, take a break, leave an event - say you're sorry to see them go, assuming that they know the child better than you.
If you mean - I support you and your child 100% and will not even entertain the notion that your child is less than perfect due to their autism - for pete's sake, say that. We'd love to hear that.

9. It's okay, he can watch tv/play with my elbows/touch the mole on my face/do the behavior you just corrected.

We parents manage our autistic child's behavior with more vigilance than you think. This is in big part because there are no exceptions in our child's mind - either a behavior is allowed, or it is not. There's no "well, at grandma's house I can..." or "I can play with so-and-so's elbow but not people's in general". If something is not allowed in general, we cannot allow it in specific - if we do, it becomes "okay" in our autistic child's mind.
So, if we say no, it's no. If we correct, it needs to be corrected. We are managing this behavior.
Suggestion: when the child complies, if you say "good job doing X!" to the child, that shows great support to the autistic family as a whole - both the child and the parents.

10. What are you going to do when he's 18?

There's a cliff, and we get to jump off of it, and that happens when our autistic child is no longer in the public school system. At that point society's obligation to our child - to educate, to provide therapies, to assist, is gone. GONE.
When you feel like you're barely making it as it is, and without that time your kid is at school, you couldn't do it...it's a scary thought.
Most parents I know are going to cross that there bridge when they get there, and not think about it when their child is still in single digits. I think you can appreciate that.
I'm racking my brain, and I can't think of a way to present this that won't be unpleasant to the recipient. Suggestion: I'd wait for them to bring it up.

And here's a bonus for you - something you may think is rude, but is not.
Autistic children don't read social cues. They don't know that they are driving you nuts, are sitting too close to you, are too loud, that them repeating the same song over and over and over is making you want to punch something, etc.
So you can tell them. Absolutely not a problem. Just tell them. If they are high-functioning enough, they will correct the behavior without insult. If they are not, the parent will. If the parent isn't around, the child might not comply with your request because they are not able to regulate themselves that way...but it doesn't hurt to tell them.
This not-reading of social cues means they won't be embarrassed that you told them. Feel free. Still be kind about it (they may not be able to read sarcasm or mocking tone, but they are people and deserve kindness and respect), but truly, feel free.

-----------
So. I just posted this and re-read it, and realized I sound pretty darn offended. I want to assure people that if you've inadvertently said such-and-such to me, that I took your intention and responded to that, without offense. I'm pretty good at hearing what people mean to say underneath it all, and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I can tell when someone really thinks I'm a bad parent, or is just blundering with their autism comment.
Just - you know, be aware.
]]> Misc Erika Mon, 30 Apr 2012 17:14:36 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.893.1 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.892.1

This is me. I'm not anti technology, I just don't see why I have to keep upgrading and investing in new soft and hardware, when darn it, what I was using in '97 really worked just fine for all my organizational and communicational needs. That's right. Communicational.

Google Calendar, aside. God bless Google Calendar.

Okay - that was my random thought for the day. Mwah.
]]>

This is me. I'm not anti technology, I just don't see why I have to keep upgrading and investing in new soft and hardware, when darn it, what I was using in '97 really worked just fine for all my organizational and communicational needs. That's right. Communicational.

Google Calendar, aside. God bless Google Calendar.

Okay - that was my random thought for the day. Mwah.
]]> Misc Erika Sat, 28 Apr 2012 13:43:59 -0400 http://hagan-net.net/erika/news.php?item.892.1